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Wednesday, November 13, 2013


I feel like a barren woman
In a room full
Full of pregnant women
Their bellies bloated
Their breasts full
Their hands resting atop swollen tummies
Dressed in maternity clothing
I will never get to wear

They sit around jabbering
About having a baby
They jabber about
The baby's name
The baby's room decor
The babies they've had before
Some even say they don't want the baby
They talk and talk
My baby this
My baby that

And I sit there smiling and nodding
Smiling and laughing
I am supposed to feel happy for them
They ask me questions
And I lie
About why
I don't have a baby
I sit screaming inside my head

Why them and not I?
What do they have
That I do not?
God help me!
Help me understand!

I crave the smell of a baby in my nose
To hold one so close
To love one
To have him love me back
To spend the rest of my life with him
But it is not a baby blanket I imagine in my hands

It is a bouquet.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Out of Death Comes Life

I woke up this morning and it was like looking through fog.  My eyes were swollen and sore.  Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life.  It was extremely emotional, difficult and awkward.  I won’t get into too much.  If anyone has ever lost someone or been to a funeral they know what it is like.  I think the hardest thing was, not saying goodbye to a man that acted as a Dad to me the majority of my life, but watching my mother weep over the loss of him and literally holding her up at his casket.  Her sobs made my heart break even more.  My nice had made some picture boards for our family, since the slide show and the other pictures were of “another family”.  In an effort to lift everyone’s spirit I began telling stories of better times.  “Remember when we were all at the beach and the sea gull pooped on Dad’s head and Mom was laughing so hard she almost wet her pants.”  Stuff like that, anything to make my Mom smile even for a moment.   Last night after all was said and done my family went back to my Mom’s, the place where so many memories were made.  We reminisced by watching home movies, some were almost 25 years old!  It was surreal to look at the faces on the television and see the same faces surrounding me, minus one.  We have all changed in appearance and maturity, but we have remained a family through much disagreement, hurt, joy, milestones, growth and mostly love.  Isn’t that the definition of family?  Not just mother, father, sister, brother but people that see you through life. 
In times of difficulty it is amazing how many people can be there to support you.  I was in awe of how many people came out to support my family.  Old friends that had shared memories with my Dad came to offer their condolences and many friends that couldn’t be there in person showed their support with flowers, food, cards and prayers.  A friend I have known since elementary school who I don’t recall ever meeting my Dad, drove to the funeral home during her lunch break to give me a hug and tell me she was there for me.  WOW!  I didn’t know people still did that?  I think the one of the most positive things to come out of yesterday is a certain someone who held me as I wept on his shoulder and made me laugh through my tears.  I guess I am just not used to having people be there for me and I will admit it was nice. 
So yesterday is over and that chapter is closed.  Hopefully, all of my anger towards the situation was also buried yesterday and I can look towards the future.  It looks pretty bright from here. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Here Comes Goodbye

This past week I have realized that my eyes look really green when the whites are blood red.  Not sure yet if this is a good look for me or not?  A week ago I received news that my Dad had a massive stroke.  Now as any person receiving news like this it hit me like I had been punched in the stomach, and I busted out crying.  It wouldn't be so bad if I had spoken to him a few days or even a few weeks before, but it had been almost 2 and a half years since I said a word to him and what I said needs not repeating.  The situation is so very complicated, and I won’t get into all the details.  Let me clarify this was not my biological father this was a man that married my Mom when I was 6.  One of my first
memories of him was when he took me trick or treating.  I was dressed up as Wonder Woman and it was freezing!  Many more memories were made after that night.  A few years ago he and my mother divorced (I’ll hit the high points, he had an indiscretion and things got incredibly nasty).  I was so hurt and angry that he could do that to not only my mother but to our family.  Like most people who have been hurt, I wanted him to hurt, but when it actually happened I felt differently. 
On Friday night I was able to see him in the hospital.  I leaned down and said, “Daddy, it’s Amy” and proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, reminded him of some of our fun times and finally told him I loved him.  At one point his monitors went off and his hand moved.  I have heard that people in comas can hear you, and I agree.  I went about my weekend and keep up with his condition.  On Monday I got the news that the decision was made to take him off of life support and 2 hours after, he passed.  I didn’t cry initially but have many times since then.  Waves of emotion come and go.  I get very angry and then I get very sad.  I will admit listening to country music when you are sad is not the best of ideas.  ( I have mentioned this before.  Rascal Flatts is a great band, but listening to "Come Wake Me Up" and "Here Comes Goodbye" over and over does not help my situation.)  My Mother has not handled this well at all for many of the same reasons.  Can you imagine loving someone for the majority of their life, losing them and then watching someone else handle what you should be handling?  Today has been especially hard for me. 
During times of death it is interesting how it brings people together.  Remember how close Americans were after September 11th?  That is how I feel about this situation.  There are a few silver linings that will come out of it; one of them is the mending of broken relationships and hearing from lost friends.  Last night I heard from my ex-husband and high school sweetheart.  No we are not getting back together, but it was so nice to know they still cared.  I have been overwhelmed with love and support by so many people.  I am so thankful that I have people to lean on, without them I would be lost.   I do have an amazing family and will get through this just like we have gotten through many other difficult times.  

Let go of your grudges, forgive and say what you need to say today because tomorrow might not come.

Goodbye Daddy, thanks for the good times.  I hope I find Angel a step-dad that is as good to her as you were to me.

"For Good"