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Thursday, November 7, 2013

Here Comes Goodbye

This past week I have realized that my eyes look really green when the whites are blood red.  Not sure yet if this is a good look for me or not?  A week ago I received news that my Dad had a massive stroke.  Now as any person receiving news like this it hit me like I had been punched in the stomach, and I busted out crying.  It wouldn't be so bad if I had spoken to him a few days or even a few weeks before, but it had been almost 2 and a half years since I said a word to him and what I said needs not repeating.  The situation is so very complicated, and I won’t get into all the details.  Let me clarify this was not my biological father this was a man that married my Mom when I was 6.  One of my first
memories of him was when he took me trick or treating.  I was dressed up as Wonder Woman and it was freezing!  Many more memories were made after that night.  A few years ago he and my mother divorced (I’ll hit the high points, he had an indiscretion and things got incredibly nasty).  I was so hurt and angry that he could do that to not only my mother but to our family.  Like most people who have been hurt, I wanted him to hurt, but when it actually happened I felt differently. 
On Friday night I was able to see him in the hospital.  I leaned down and said, “Daddy, it’s Amy” and proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, reminded him of some of our fun times and finally told him I loved him.  At one point his monitors went off and his hand moved.  I have heard that people in comas can hear you, and I agree.  I went about my weekend and keep up with his condition.  On Monday I got the news that the decision was made to take him off of life support and 2 hours after, he passed.  I didn’t cry initially but have many times since then.  Waves of emotion come and go.  I get very angry and then I get very sad.  I will admit listening to country music when you are sad is not the best of ideas.  ( I have mentioned this before.  Rascal Flatts is a great band, but listening to "Come Wake Me Up" and "Here Comes Goodbye" over and over does not help my situation.)  My Mother has not handled this well at all for many of the same reasons.  Can you imagine loving someone for the majority of their life, losing them and then watching someone else handle what you should be handling?  Today has been especially hard for me. 
During times of death it is interesting how it brings people together.  Remember how close Americans were after September 11th?  That is how I feel about this situation.  There are a few silver linings that will come out of it; one of them is the mending of broken relationships and hearing from lost friends.  Last night I heard from my ex-husband and high school sweetheart.  No we are not getting back together, but it was so nice to know they still cared.  I have been overwhelmed with love and support by so many people.  I am so thankful that I have people to lean on, without them I would be lost.   I do have an amazing family and will get through this just like we have gotten through many other difficult times.  

Let go of your grudges, forgive and say what you need to say today because tomorrow might not come.

Goodbye Daddy, thanks for the good times.  I hope I find Angel a step-dad that is as good to her as you were to me.

"For Good"


Chemo Mom Tammy said...

tears :'(

RuthAnn Holland said...

Baby girl... we are holding all of you in our hearts & lifting up prayers of comfort & peace..with much love & care..The Holland's